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My best friend Becky came over last night. We've known each other since 5th grade; did gymnastics together, lived together during college, have been there for each other in all of life's ups and downs. She and her husband live in San Jose now and every Christmas we get together and have a chat fest. Hours tick by like minutes...she is one of those friends that even if I didn't see her for years, we could just pick up where we last left off. I'd forgotten how good it is to talk to someone who really knows you...it's such a gift. You don't have to explain your thought process...she already knows it intimately. She has seen you at your very worst (and you have seen hers) so there is a trust and understanding that makes discussing life's nooks and crannys as easy as if you were talking about the weather. I can tell her things it wouldn't even cross my mind to mention to others...she doesn't judge what I say...she just listens, tells me when I'm wrong and gives me support in a way that makes me so glad we met way back when we were 10.

We, of course, tell each other about the year we've had...she knows mine. Jon died. Jon died. Jon died. It still hurts. I tell her of my struggle to find a sense of closure in it all...having to grieve alone makes it seem like an insurmountalbe obstacle. She offers sage advise and asks me about the rest of my year...new job, Michael turning 18, new friends, two 1/2 marathons, several trips...and I start to realize the year wasn't as bad as I thought it had been. Grief had colored it for me, but I did experience some great things. And I wonder if that is okay? Am I suppose to find some happiness along w/ the sadness? I think of a day a few weeks ago when I had a dream about Jon, which actually happens frequently...in this one we were at Disneyland. When I woke up and reality came back, I started to cry because I couldn't remember if Jon had ever been to Disneyland and I was afraid I was starting to forget him. I'm starting to forget the intimate little details you share as a couple. Becky shares w/ me her experience of losing her Dad and having the same type of feelings and bam! It's okay, I'm okay. I'm not going to forget the big stuff, I'm not going to forget Jon. It all really happened and nothing anyone does or says can change that...no matter how it ended. And that frees me in a way I can't explain.

This year was good. And bad. But that is life, no? We take the good, we take the bad, we find ourselves in situations that we don't want to be in, we learn new things about ourselves and the world, and this is it, this is reality.

Bring It On.

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